Chapter – 8
Another new turn in personal blossoming
Marriage – Family – Children
The Developments like wife and husband relation, family and children that enter into our life after friendship, love and marriage play crucial role in the personal blossoming. After becoming a parent even a highly innocent individual will gain some amount of new wisdom. In rearing the children they will develop leadership qualities.
Individuals grow from the stage of youth into full-fledged personalities before marriage. They learn to think on their own. Commensurate with their age they crave for friendship and love. Even the birds and animals tend to develop natural sexual relationships as a part of the nature. But because youth are loosing independent attitude and independent personality they are lagging behind animals and birds. Love is natural and social. Marrying through love is a natural way and a correct way.
Youth in countries like
The culture of
Constructing a house on once own is different from staying in a house on the basis of rent. Cooking food at home is different from eating food from a hotel. So also it is different to enjoy the money earned by others and earning on our own. Earning on our own gives happiness and a feeling of satisfaction.
The power in love is different
The feeling of falling in love and marrying the person whom we love gives a lot of happiness, a great experience and satisfaction. The capacity for love gives a lot of energy. It is a great stage in personal blossoming. But those who marry in an arranged way could not find this experience and happiness in their personal blossoming. This deficiency continues all through their life.
The aspects like sharing each others ideas, respecting each other, waiting for each other, sacrificing for each other and compromising during the course of love before marriage encourage personal blossoming. Such a kind of personal blossoming is not possible in arranged marriages.
Looking for some one who arranges a marriage for you is indicative of dependent psychology. This shows the lack of capacity for risk tolerance. That is why falling in love, in capacity for love are not just matters confined only to marriage.
Marriage is only a structure; it is not a guarantee for love
The society, parents and the family system which obstructs the independent decisions of the youth creates a psychology of dependence amongst them. This makes encourage a mentality of collective spirit. But it sadly prevents the independent personality building.
In
In tribal societies parents confirm marriages on the basis of love between the youngsters. If they belong to different tribes they collect some amount and celebrate the occasion of the marriage with that amount.
Today’s institution of marriage is the result of caste based professions
Because of caste based professions marriages began to become arranged in the pursuit of bringing into the family only those people who know the profession of that caste and its culture. This could not be called as a marriage when we see in lines with the caste. It is a matter of convenience to look for the skills of the profession and its culture in a member who is newly entering the family. Today doctors, engineers and teachers want their life partners who are on par with them and who are in their profession. The marriages of the past which involved intra caste arrangement are the same. But in modern times such marriages indicate the backward consciousness.
The caste based profession and cottage industry aspired for joint family system. That is why the elders of a family started marrying their children in order to continue the relationship between the profession they carry and the culture it exhibits. Such marriages are not there in the past and also need not be there in the present. Society has crossed that stage and has advanced a lot. The so called very backward tribal youth are marrying according to their own individual wishes. In the highly advanced
The capacity to take decisions – Love – Marriage
There is a lot of difference between self determination in marriage and depending on the others for the same. If you take decisions for yourself you are responsible for all the consequences of your decision. So you will boldly face the problems and receive them in your own stride. If somebody arranges your marriage and you encounter some difficulties in that marriage you tend to blame others for your problems. You squarely put the blame on others for your problems. If you yourself enter into a relationship of marriage independently you will tend to draw lessons from those difficulties. In that process your personality blossoms. Your social understanding expands. This is the same in the marriage as well as in all the decisions of life. Constructing a house on your own or else growing vegetable in your backyard or else loving somebody and marrying give you the similar kind of happiness.
The things like living on the income of one’s parents, living on the advantage of the domination of the caste you belong to, living in a house constructed by somebody. Arranged marriage show a blind imitation of the marriage and family structures.
Marriage inculcates a responsible attitude
In the course of living together an individual develops a bond of love with his wife. Within a year or so you will have a child. If you don’t earn money you supposed to be inefficient. So you start doing some work. Like this marriage is used as a tool to teach responsibility for an individual who is irresponsible.
Parents try to involve a youngster who is working for the society in the same way. But such youngsters postpone the marriage. But when it becomes inevitable they ask for marriage with somebody whom they love. In this way those who work in the social arena expect their life partner to work together with them in serving the society. This is a good thing. If it doesn’t happen life becomes a big struggle. She talks about family and children. He talks about the movement, society and sacrifice. This conflict continuously hinders him in the pursuit of his goals. Consequently what follows is a compromise or a perpetual conflict or else in severe cases divorce.
Loosing half the personality
Marriage means merger of two hearts. At the moment they enter marital bond men and women tend to change. Boyhood friends tend to comment that – we never expected them like this in life. The partners believe that after the marriage the relationship between them became a relationship of slave – slave master. That is true. In some respects husband lives as a slave of wife. In other respects wife live as a slave of husband. Depending upon the situation these roles tend to change. It is very difficult to establish a relationship of true equality. The variations between the educational qualifications, age, environments in which they were brought up and the division of work add fire to the fuel. In this process the personalities of each of them tend to change and grow.
Marriage is the merger of two personalities
Marriage is the merger of two personalities. So also marriage is a compromise between two personalities. If both of them whole heartedly come together they will have synergies and their effectiveness becomes more. Otherwise the entire process becomes a negative one. Marriage is loosing half of one’s personality and becoming a part of the other’s personality. It looks women tend to loose most of their personality in the process of marriage. In the same way even men tend to change their pre-marital personality and look like having lost the pre-marital freedom and independence. That is why there is popular saying that – in living together for six months with another person one becomes like the other.
We may not be able to say whether you are the half of your better half, but it is true that your children will develop their personalities as halves of yours. You might feel that you have lost a lot in the marriage. Both of you might have started the pre-marital life at the bottom rung of the economic level but you tend to earn comforts and wealth together. Children belong to both of you.
Some people remain bachelors and spinsters throughout their life. Buddha renounced the family life. In the 9th century Acchamamba remained a spinster. Many people did not enter into nuptial relationship believing that they are a hindrance to their life goals. Buddhist monks and Christian nuns are an example of this. They made bachelorhood as a model. In this way they developed institutions in accordance with their goals and personal blossoming.
There are people who arrange marriage between the dead bodies
The spinster and bachelor system excused the family system. Though they are born in the family system they detached themselves from that and joined the Buddhist monks that is why every generation has come into the social structures only through the family system.
The admirers of the family system couldn’t digest that the members of their family left that system. They could not excuse the none or the monk. So they evolved a system where by somebody died as a bachelor his death rites will be different. To be cremated on a pyre one needs to be married before death. If this is not the case a marriage ritual is performed for the dead body of the bachelor before the body is burnt on a pyre.
If you did not enter the marriage bond the entire time is yours
The family system treats the unmarried and nuns or else bachelors in a different way. It declares their personalities are different. If somebody talks irresponsibly he will be condemned – not to talk like a loner. They enter in to the family relationships and tend to live the entire life within those limitations. It becomes a narrow life style. But still the model of the family life is continuing over centuries.
A free man without marital bondage, called – Rahul Sankrutyayan who is a great scholar and writer roamed around the world. He wrote many books. His entire life is a tour around the world. Even the President of India Abdul Kalam lived a life of bachelorship in order to dedicate his life for the scientific experimentation. The independent life continued like this. But in the modern times facilities increased. Using those facilities and living alone is not a lesser burden than taking the responsibility for the family life. Those who don’t want modern facilities and cooking for oneself still could live as Buddhist Monks.
Some individuals those who belong to RSS, Communist Parties, Naxalites and Dalit and Bahujan Movements live alone and spend their lives amongst the people, eating whatever they are being offered by the people. There are no limitations to their practice and blossoming.
In the family system personal blossoming will shrink in accordance with the needs of the family. An individual has to lose his independence. He has to sacrifice his entire life for the sake of his family members. Like this the marriage and the family system put limitations on the individual human being.
Are the tribals ahead of the civilized?
It is a fundamental question that whether the modern society has advanced or retreated when compared to the tribal life. Let us see according to the standards of tribals. In a tribal society youth are kept in a separate house immediately after their marriage. That house is constructed prior to the marriage itself. They use the bamboo sticks and other material to build a hut. That is how they tend to have their own house at the early age of 20s. But could a civilized person have a house at the age of 20? We are constructing houses after retirement from the job with the money we get as retirement benefits. It means the construction of a house has been postponed to the fag end of the life.
So also in the tribal life even the six year olds work and earn their livelyhood. In a modern society we are dependent upon others till the age of 20. That is why a psychology of dependency is developing in us. Independent personal blossoming is getting compromised. Also it became a big burden on the society to take care of an individual till the age of 20. The government activities and social structures that accept such a culture and love proliferated. Parents who rear them till the age of 20 are suffering a lot later on while handing over their children to social life. More over because of family planning nuclear family (with 2 children) became a norm in the society. So the entire hope of the parents is getting focused on those two. Their entire life became a machine that works for those children. Because of that, individuals who dedicate their life for the society as Buddhist Monks are becoming rare. This problem was not prevailed in the past.
Science and technology that are creating a dependent life
Science, Technology, Modern amenities made the life of a human being more comfortable. But at the same time they are making our lives externally dependent. The mutual dependency in the society increased. This has led us in to a condition of insecurity and a fear of sacrifice in the name of security in life.
So we have to understand that weather tribal society is backward or the modern society. The backward societies, castes win over the developed societies and castes. This approach is continuing as a philosophy of history. But how is it possible? It is because the capacity for sacrificing and coming into a collective is there only amongst the backward societies, castes and classes. That is why tribals, backward societies, backward families, backward countries win over the advanced societies.
To love means accepting responsibilities
To love means accepting responsibilities. Love is nothing but a perspective of the world. It is a form consciousness. It is a practice. Only the philosophy love without hatred could sustain as a world out look. The opposite of love is not hatred. There is no word which is opposite of love. Because love is a matter of practice and understanding.
Marriage is a structural form. In an office people with different opinions works together. There might be friendships and love amongst them. In some cases there may not friendship and love amongst them. But the office work proceeds smoothly. Marriage and family are also the same kind of structural forms. Caste is also a structural form. Religion is a structural form. Government is a structural form. Society is a structural form. But class is not a structural form. Class is a concept. The structural form of the class is a practice, a politics, a culture etc. Love is not a structural form. But marriage is a structural form that reflects the love between the man and the woman. Family is a structural form that reflects the love between the parents and the children. Caste is a structure that reflects the love between its members.
Why the structural forms develop?
Structural forms developed in order to made the conversion of affections into bonds possible in practice. They formed for the continuation of the practice of a concept. The structural forms develop for the continuation of the practice of a theory. Idea is a thought. Structural form is nothing but the institutional form of continued practice of the thought. Structural forms inhibit progress. Love and progress that overcome and appose structural forms will be severely oppressed by those structural forms.
Structural form is like a vessel. It is useful in measuring and perpetuating some thing. Family is a structural form which allows for the protection and growth of children. After a particular age the vessel becomes smaller. And the personality larger. So the structural form of family couldn’t accommodate it. It expands into a society. In a family there will be the domination of parents and other elders. But after a particular age the vessels of measurement built by the family would become small. So families proliferate. Selfishness increases. Brothers get divided. At the end parents may be forced to live alone away from the children. Like this the structural form of the family and the socialism in it are disintegrating in the struggle against the violence of domination. If this process is not there families over generations would become socialist systems with thousands of members in their structural form. For example caste is also a structural form like family. But all the members of a particular caste could not accommodate themselves within a single family structure.
Marriage might be a structure. Party also might be a structure. So are government and the system. They are all like the vessels of measurement. In simple they are like families. They allow growth up to an extent and try to suppress progress later on. These structural forms won’t allow the disintegration of their dominance. If they allow that they disappear as structural forms. And evolve into something new.
How the structure inhibits progress
Structural forms obstruct progress and love. It constrains love to rights, responsibilities and power. In that case, in such a discussion love disappears and only the structural form continues. Taking care of parents by the children becomes a duty or responsibility though there is no love involved. Society interferes and negotiates about the monthly expenditure of the parents and asks the children to pay that amount. One has to give maintenance to a wife even after separation whether one loves his wife and children or not. The structural form of party allows its cadres to grow like the parents who rear their children. But after a stage the vessels of measurement become smaller. Party begins to suppress its members in the name of rights, responsibilities and structural principles. Like in the case of the socialism in a family that disintegrates after every generation and leads to the formation of the new families, party also disintegrates and divorces its members after every generation. In the case of friends when hostilities burst out they separate. This process continues endlessly.
New structure
Is there is no end to this disintegration? Yes there is. By the evolution of the structural forms this disintegration could come to an end. In other words unless these structural form disappear this disintegration doesn’t end. The oppression continued by the marriage, family, caste, religion, party or the institution and other structural forms disappears when they evolve. The evolution of their structural forms is being considered by some as their destruction. Their opinion might be true. The structural forms evolve only by the destruction of the domination and the vested interest in them.
The modern day progress is continuing through instant loves, friendships and marriages. Many new institutions, organizations, structures and colleges are emerging because of many kinds of institutions, colleges, movies, habits, sports etc. along with the needs of them a new kind of instant friendships, loves and instant life styles are proliferating. But these are not true loves, friendships and relations.
In the past people used to build their own houses. In this process many relations and affections used to develop amongst the members of a village. Many people like the ones who carry mud, who do the carpentry work, electricity work and brick work… Many struggles and difficulties use to be there. Now we can buy an apartment instantly. Instant marriages between boys and girls who like each other and who are on par in their educational levels and jobs are becoming common. So also the memberships of the institutions are also becoming instant.
Parents should become friends of the children who are grown up. They have to advise the children about friendships. They have to observe carefully about the friendships of their children. But at the same time should not restrict the children too much in their friendships. If the family and family relations are friendly such a home would be a model and would become a good foundation for the society.
Friendships are required at all ages
In the teen age and in the age where in men and women fall in love friendships are a must. If there are friends who share our opinions we could develop clarity about our ideas. If we share about our love with our friends they might give realistic and practical advice. In this process those friends also get experience.
Even during early marital life we need good friends
Even during early marital life we need good friends. Children also need good friendship. Friends come to our rescue during many crises. They stay with us. They tell us the things which we don’t know. They also learn from us. If there is friendship between the men they have to see that their wives are also friends. In the case of women also they have to make their husbands part of their friendships. Even in the old age friends are required to share the feelings about their children and daughter-in-laws and also the problems afflicting the family and matters of health. Even in the old age home friends are required.
In the age of youth and stage of jobs the friendships to a greater extend continue through the employee organizations. Members of some organizations do excellent friendship as a part of their organizational activity. Under the influence of such friendship the friends of such people may be prepared to sacrifice a lot for the goals of the organization. The lack of friendship is the reason for depression, desolation and suicidal feelings in some cases.
We have to be amicable with one and all
We should not lose our friendships in the process of working for our organization with the people, with the people who are outside the organization. We should learn to agree and to disagree. And we should respect the opinions of the people who differ with us. The members of the Parliament and Legislatures, who are in different parties, respect each other despite their difference in some cases. This should become an example for all. The rural cadres of the different political parties should be amicable with each other. They should not fight with each other. The higher level leaders of the parties work together in the Parliament. We should not forget that. The difference of the parties should not lead to the ending of friendships. We should help our friends who are in different political party to grow through our advices.
Then only the villages will become friendly without violence and political barriers. The main barriers to friendship are the institutions that are there in the society and politics. Even the media is to an extent responsible for tendencies of violence and selfishness. Things like caste, religion and culture some times create ruptures amongst the human beings. We have to resolve those differences in a friendly manner.
Come out of loneliness
Loneliness leads to moodiness and depression. This is the root cause of many psychological problems. To be lonely means, not make the best use of the human forces around us. To be lonely means the inability to reach out to the world in a practical way. This incapacity leads to the feelings of guilt and inferiority.
There are many ways to overcome the loneliness. If we move with other people freely, participate in carnivals and meetings we could overcome loneliness.
Love and friendship help in personal blossoming. In order to know more deeply and elaborately about these matters read my other book “What is Love”.
All loves and friendship are alike. But still there are some fundamental characteristics of them – 1) Honoring (2) Responsibility (3) Respect (4) Understanding.
Love without respect ultimately leads to domination. Love is a child of freedom but not that of domination. By loving properly we get freedom from the prison of loneliness. In personal blossoming and social leadership the capacity for love and being loved are very important.